nye
one of my fave things i wrote for the local giveaway rag (which they wouldn't let me take a byline for, 'cos it was an "advertising piece" and they wanted to preserve the separation 'tween advo and editooreal, while i just wanted to make a coupla bucks) was a piece entitled "8 things to do on new year's eve" that came off the top o' my noggin on a yellow legal pad on my sweetie's kitchen table about 3 months after we met. i thought about going out in the shed to dig up a copy (since it ain't on the rag's website) to rework for the blogosphere, but then i thought better of it (fun is fun, but there are limits). instead, here are some thoughts on the upcoming garrruuunnnk-fest / collective nervous breakdown we endure annually on the occasion of the clock advancing another yr (some of which will undoubtedly duplicate the earlier piece, 'cos i'm not that imaginative and have a very poor memory for what i write once it's done).
1) i fuckin' hate new yr's eve. it's prolly my least fave holiday after st. patrick's day. imo, waaay too much of the world's misery is due to ppl believing it when other ppl who are selling shit tell 'em they should be having a better time than they are and the ensuing depression at the disparity between the fantasy good-time-that-doesn't-really exist and the sad reality of their true lives, which results in the even-more-feverish pursuit of the nonexistent ideal, usually fueled by lotsa booze. fuck that. nobody, but nobody, tells me when i should be having a good time.
2) worst nye of my entahr life: the one in between the u.s.a. bicentennial yr and the (first) "year punk broke," which i spent in some old man bar in my backwater town on lawn guyland where i was astonished to discover that, at age 19, i was the oldest person in the bar besides the bartender and the 40something garrruuunnnk brawd who walked in around the time the big ball started descending in times square and started kissing all the garrruuunnnk teenage boys w/tongue. i left when she started dancing on a table, holding her skirt over her head.
3) second worst nye of my entahr life: the one that ushered in the '80s, which i celebrated by punching a poured concrete wall while extremely fukkked-up on vodka 'n' quaaludes. i woke up the next morning to discover that the bones in my right hand were shattered and it had swollen to three times the size of my left. luckily for me, there was at the time cheap medical care for non-locals in aspen, colorado (where i'd foolishly gone after some old ny associates called me in austin and suggested we make a band), and i was able to parlay my injury into a promotion from dishwasher / prep cook to, uh, maitre d' of the shitty overpriced rib joint where i was working, before being run out of town on a rail by the aspen police (an "interesting" story in its own right that i'll have to tell you some other time).
4) why would anyone in their right mind wanna be out driving on the one night a yr when significant numbers of ppl who only get garrruuunnnk once a yr do so, then go out to try and operate motor vehicles? it doesn't matter if you have a designated driver; it's those _otha_ mothafuckas you gotta worry about. today's paper included stories of a 14-yr-old kid who was burned to death when he crashed his pickup into a tree at 3am and some middle-aged shitheel who ran another motorist off the road into the path of an oncoming vehicle, killing two ppl, then just _drove off_. this with his wife 'n' four kids in the car. ever feel like a fugitive from the law of averages? it's no wonder so many ppl i know (including one who has an alter ego named "partyboy") are foregoing the nightlife for an evening at home this yr.
5) if you're gonna drink on nye (or anytime), for gawd's sake, eat something substantial first and intersperse yr alcohol intake w/drinks o' h2o.
6) the best bartender in fort worth once made me walk a line to get out of his place when i wasn't even that hammered. (bless you, jimmy.) it's unfortunate more cats 'n' chixxx in his line of work aren't as responsible.
7) if you get too inebriated to drive, call a fuckin' taxicab or sleep in yr car. celebrating the new yr is pretty pointless if you don't wake up to enjoy it. or if you spend the first quarter of it in the graybar or scheduling yr activities around court appearances / probation appointments. (been there, done that.)
8) i usually do a lot of taking stock this time of yr. (fuck new year's resolutions. they're lame. i prefer _daily_ resolutions.) when doing this, i try to be as honest as i can w/myself. it doesn't always feel good, but i think i'm better off doing this than not.
9) my dear old grey-haired mom told me (and i believe) that what you do to see in the new yr, you'll be doing all yr long, so i try to make it something good.
10) on this day (and every day), make sure to tell the ppl you love that you love them. there will come a time when you can't and if you don't do it now, you'll regret it.
1) i fuckin' hate new yr's eve. it's prolly my least fave holiday after st. patrick's day. imo, waaay too much of the world's misery is due to ppl believing it when other ppl who are selling shit tell 'em they should be having a better time than they are and the ensuing depression at the disparity between the fantasy good-time-that-doesn't-really exist and the sad reality of their true lives, which results in the even-more-feverish pursuit of the nonexistent ideal, usually fueled by lotsa booze. fuck that. nobody, but nobody, tells me when i should be having a good time.
2) worst nye of my entahr life: the one in between the u.s.a. bicentennial yr and the (first) "year punk broke," which i spent in some old man bar in my backwater town on lawn guyland where i was astonished to discover that, at age 19, i was the oldest person in the bar besides the bartender and the 40something garrruuunnnk brawd who walked in around the time the big ball started descending in times square and started kissing all the garrruuunnnk teenage boys w/tongue. i left when she started dancing on a table, holding her skirt over her head.
3) second worst nye of my entahr life: the one that ushered in the '80s, which i celebrated by punching a poured concrete wall while extremely fukkked-up on vodka 'n' quaaludes. i woke up the next morning to discover that the bones in my right hand were shattered and it had swollen to three times the size of my left. luckily for me, there was at the time cheap medical care for non-locals in aspen, colorado (where i'd foolishly gone after some old ny associates called me in austin and suggested we make a band), and i was able to parlay my injury into a promotion from dishwasher / prep cook to, uh, maitre d' of the shitty overpriced rib joint where i was working, before being run out of town on a rail by the aspen police (an "interesting" story in its own right that i'll have to tell you some other time).
4) why would anyone in their right mind wanna be out driving on the one night a yr when significant numbers of ppl who only get garrruuunnnk once a yr do so, then go out to try and operate motor vehicles? it doesn't matter if you have a designated driver; it's those _otha_ mothafuckas you gotta worry about. today's paper included stories of a 14-yr-old kid who was burned to death when he crashed his pickup into a tree at 3am and some middle-aged shitheel who ran another motorist off the road into the path of an oncoming vehicle, killing two ppl, then just _drove off_. this with his wife 'n' four kids in the car. ever feel like a fugitive from the law of averages? it's no wonder so many ppl i know (including one who has an alter ego named "partyboy") are foregoing the nightlife for an evening at home this yr.
5) if you're gonna drink on nye (or anytime), for gawd's sake, eat something substantial first and intersperse yr alcohol intake w/drinks o' h2o.
6) the best bartender in fort worth once made me walk a line to get out of his place when i wasn't even that hammered. (bless you, jimmy.) it's unfortunate more cats 'n' chixxx in his line of work aren't as responsible.
7) if you get too inebriated to drive, call a fuckin' taxicab or sleep in yr car. celebrating the new yr is pretty pointless if you don't wake up to enjoy it. or if you spend the first quarter of it in the graybar or scheduling yr activities around court appearances / probation appointments. (been there, done that.)
8) i usually do a lot of taking stock this time of yr. (fuck new year's resolutions. they're lame. i prefer _daily_ resolutions.) when doing this, i try to be as honest as i can w/myself. it doesn't always feel good, but i think i'm better off doing this than not.
9) my dear old grey-haired mom told me (and i believe) that what you do to see in the new yr, you'll be doing all yr long, so i try to make it something good.
10) on this day (and every day), make sure to tell the ppl you love that you love them. there will come a time when you can't and if you don't do it now, you'll regret it.
posted by stashdauber at 11:39 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home