apology

i.
remembering the time
i got too shithammered to play a stoogeshow
on too many shots of whiskey

waking up in my car in a pile of vomit
with "funhouse" playing in my head
wondering "did we play?"

walking around my 'hood
in the piss-pouring rain
looking for my sweetie

having my quadrophenia moment
in the middle of the athletic field
at stripling middle school

i realized that all my fights with her
and most of the dumbest shit i've done in life
have been while i was drankin' whiskey

so bye-bye john barleycorn
i've had enough of being
my own worst goddamn enemy

ii.
listened to the cd's they played
at my cousin's funeral
back in february

she had a big life --
was on the radio in d.c.
and fronted a coupla r&b showbands

her hometown newspaper in jersey interviewed her
when she was in high school
and she wound up doing pert near everything she'd planned

i cried when i heard the song
about her ma and how my uncle accepted her
even tho she wasn't his

she cut it in nashville
i usually don't go for songs like that,
but i knew it was about her true life

i couldn't help wishing
that my big sis 'n' i had been more welcoming
when she came from germany in '67

she was a little blonde-haired angel
and all we could think of back then
was that she was "stealing" our favorite uncle

iii.
back when charles buxton brought me here
to open a rekkid store at 6393 camp bowie
thirty years ago this september

there was an old fella that worked with us
who came from kansas city
and had been a jazz drummer back in the day

i was so fucking mean to that cat
made fun of him behind his back
and called him "boring old man"

now that i'm a lot closer to being
who he was
than the stupid boy i was then

i wish that i'd had the humanity
to have been
just a little bit kinder

if you say you've got no regrets
chances are
that you're just not thinking hard enough