before i fly

my dad had a good day yesterday.
his memory seemed better and he was lucid most of the day.
today, the doc said it doesn't appear he can swallow anymore.

he told my sister and her husband to go home
("this might take awhile," he said)
and to take care of our mother.

which would seem to indicate that he knows what time it is,
and that it isn't necessarily the same time
i was hoping it was.

whatever disagreements we might have had over the years
(they were numerous and seemed significant in the moment),
i have to respect that.

shame on him for being such a hard man to love.

shame on me for not trying harder.